Thursday, September 8, 2011

Help Wanted-President

(Note to recurring readers: I almost never do politics.  There are plenty of plenty of well established sites to go to for that sort of thing, and frankly politics rarely intrudes into those brightly lit, happy places where my imagination wanders during the course of daily drudgery.  But rarely is not the same as never...)

In this very challenging job market we (actually We, The People) are pleased to announce an upcoming job opening with truly outstanding features.

Salary is $400,000 a year.  Housing supplied.  Personal chef.  Armoured limo.  Your very own jet!

You can also look forward to throwing out ceremonial First Pitches, Pardoning the annual White House turkey, and eventually a great retirement package and your own Library.

Experience Required.

Sorry about that last part, and as I will mention later, We are willing to make exceptions for the genuinely outstanding applicant.  It's just that over the years We have noted a certain trend.....when hiring for an Executive position, some Executive experience is a plus.

When historians study the matter they generally concur that our Ten Best Presidents were, in rough order:
Lincoln, Washington, FDR, Jefferson, Teddy Roosevelt, Jackson, Truman, Wilson, Eisenhower and John Adams.  This list is the same for historians of liberal and conservative perspective, although the former are holding a torch for LBJ instead of Ike.

By previous executive experience THIS is the sort of thing we had in mind.  Note carefully, that of the Ten Best no fewer than five were previously Governors. With due respect to our fellow citizens in the Legislative and Judicial Branches, there is nothing like Governing to both demonstrate and improve your ability to, well, Govern.

But interestingly, of the Ten, three were high ranking military commanders, with another two oddly being Assistant Secretary of the Navy.  (This unlikely power position has since been divided into four jobs). 

This listing probably over weights the military versus civilian side of things...after all if you are George Washington and are asked for previous elected office in the United States of America, well it is a rather silly question.  

We The People do not believe in age discrimination, but that pesky Constitution requires the President to be 35 years old. And also to have been born a US citizen, so just save everybody a lot of grief and bring your birth certificate to your initial interviews.  35 is honestly rather old to become a military recruit, so if you are planning on becoming President by that route We sincerely hope you have been getting a good start on this over the last decade or so.  It also bears mentioning that all Presidents who got there by virtue of a purely military background have actually won wars.  And while wars are still sadly common, winnable ones have been at a premium of late.

So overall your best bet would seem to be as Governor of a state.  But its still no picnic.  There are quite a few states-you know, those boring square ones in the middle-that will garner you no media attention at all.  And of the states blessed by the lapping waves of coastal waters and major media markets many of them, sadly, are pretty much bankrupt. 

Now, as to those exceptions...

You could try wearing the paper trainee hat of Vice Presidency first.  No real experience is required, and even the conventional wisdom that you should keep your mouth shut is often waived for some of the more endearing Veeps.  Shockingly, a few of the folks currently jumping up and down shouting about being President are actually angling for the Vice Pres job.  Its a good gig and in all respects better than a stupid unpaid internship.

But for someone with zero executive experience to become a good, nay, a great President?  Well, there is always Lincoln.  He is generally felt to be the best of them all, and is in many respects the Exception that proves the rule.

So, if you think you combine Solomonic wisdom with a profound understanding of America; and further consider yourself to be gifted with poetic command of the written and spoken word, well, bring it on.  We could use a man or woman like that in these difficult times.

But to go the Full Abester you will be expected to pull this off without speechwriters and teleprompters.

And don't be shocked if We ask you to split a few rails too, just to show you can do it.

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