Lottery Dreams and Schemes

I understand that somebody won a Billion Dollar lottery in January.  Well, technically about half that if they did what most people do, take the money in a lump sum.  And pay taxes on it.  I'm shocked, yes shocked that people are so impatient that they can't wait for thirty annual payments and give less of this windfall straight back.

I have purchased five lottery tickets in my life.  Most were back in my clinic days.  When all your employees are going in on a batch of tickets you may as well toss in a couple of bucks.  Because if they win you'll be sans employees and likely out of business.  Nothing came of it of course.

It's probably as well.  The stories I've heard of lottery winners who became miserable in various ways are compelling.  And the effects on their kids when suddenly given no reason whatsoever to be hard working and responsible are predictably bad.

Still, I have my Lottery Dreams.  Doesn't everyone?

There are as I see it a few challenges.  Let's just ignore the obvious, that your odds of having a huge pile of money come to you via lottery are statistically the same as having a pallet of cash fall out of a poorly secured cargo jet and land in your back yard.  Putting that harsh dose of reality aside...

I don't really need a lot of money.  My lifestyle is simple, my kids self sufficient.  So I wouldn't want to win more than, oh let's say, 20 million dollars.  I do fear at my age the thirty year payout might not be practical.

I figure I'd use some of it to rent and keep in order modest apartments in England and Italy. That would allow me to just nip over for a visit whenever I fancied.  I'd have "people" in each destination who would on a few days notice, stock the fridge and pick me up at the airport.  I might have a non-descript car in each place.  My actual friends could use these little get away spots when I was not in residence.

And that's it for me.  Most of the rest I'd donate to worthy causes.  For fun I'd hire a few honest folks to travel around finding people and organizations that were quietly doing good.  I'd leave to my kids whatever amount I would have predicted they'd have gotten had I not become a Lottery Millionaire.  Like me they live modestly and shouldn't need more.

But I am troubled by another facet of lottery winnings....people knowing you have the money.  In Wisconsin as in many states, winners can't remain anonymous.  I'm sure there is an organized band of repugnant leeches and vultures who track all winners. 

So here's my plan.  I'll only buy a lottery ticket when the amount is in my preferred zone, and when the redemption window - I think it's 120 days - contains either a major holiday or the prospect of a blizzard.  I want people distracted and vultures deterred when we show up at the Lottery office.

Yes, we.  I know a few young folks trying to make it in show business.  I'd be happy to hire one of them to play the part of a giddy, garrulous young lottery winner.  I'd pay him $100,000 to play "me" for an hour.  With a couple of conditions.

I'd be on hand playing the role of lawyer.  I'd walk out of the place with the check tucked into my briefcase.  I would take precautions to not be recognizable by distant relatives and long lost friends, of whom I suspect I'd otherwise have a great many.  My Lottery alter ego would have used the 120 day window to establish a convincing social media presence in my name.  It would be heavy on bass fishing, Walmart, boasts of fancy cars, you know the drill.  The lad I have in mind for this - lets call him "Jake" - actually writes pretty well too.  

I hope this would confuse the situation just enough that when I return from a prolonged vacation there would be minimal interest by the vultures and pseudo-relatives.   A measly 20 mill won't hold the public's attention for long anyway when there is somebody with a Billion dollar payday driving around the Walmart parking lot in a swell new sports car!